The Scribbled Brain

Hate

2010-12-31T09:33:00.000-08:00

I am so scared. I think you might actually, really hate me now.

Stupid Me

2010-12-28T22:35:00.001-08:00

How stupid could I be, thinking that staying at your place and sharing your bed every night after we’d broken up would win you back when you were ready?

Later In Life

2010-12-28T22:34:00.001-08:00

Go ahead, marry him. It will just make your eventual midlife crisis affair with me all the spicier.

Hmmm....?

2010-12-28T22:31:00.000-08:00

Just so I have this straight—you are never going to text, call, or love me back, are you?

On Losing Friends

2010-11-19T14:08:00.000-08:00

WHAT I'M THINKING: Dear Lord, please don't go. I thought we were friends? I'm going to miss you so much.

WHAT I SAY: Whatever. Fuck it. I don't need you anyway.

Where Were You?

2010-11-16T20:40:00.000-08:00

It's been so long that I don't even look down your street anymore.

Failure

2010-10-14T23:26:00.002-07:00

I'm jealous of him.
He's got you right where he wants you.
I'm jealous of him.
Of him though, really?
I must sound so pathetic.
But I am.
The thoughts of you two together run rampant through my head all day.
I know you want him with the burning that you once wanted me for.
And I fucked up, did stupid things.
You no longer burn for me.
Just for him.
I can't compete.
I don't know why I try.
I've changed since my last mistake.
I've changed so much.
But that doesn't matter, it happened and it shouldn't have.
I let you down one time and it was the most important time.
I cheated.
AND I REGRET IT EVERYDAY.
There are only few things I want in this life.
You, for you to forgive me and for my best friend back.
Until the day I die, I won't have either.
And even when I die, I know I won't have one of them.
You.
This singe solitary person.
Why do we do the things we do?

With this knife...

2010-10-14T23:21:00.000-07:00

I hate that I am still in love with you.
I wish that I could just move on.
But there is something about you,
About the way you make me feel,
About the way you look at me,
About the way you smile at me,
About the things we speak of,
About the way you hold my hand,
About the way you kiss my lips,
About the way you hug me...

There is something about you,
About the way you lie,
About the way you go behind my back,
About the way you keep secrets,
About the way you still want him,
About the lack of respect you have for me,
About the way you use me,
About the hurtful things you do.

And people are constantly calling me crazy for loving you still.
Because they can see the tiredness in my eyes.
They can hear the pain in my voice.

Why do I do this to myself?

2010-10-08T05:51:00.001-07:00

Proof

2010-09-06T20:35:00.001-07:00

This photograph is my proof. There was that night when things were great between us and she embraced me, and we were so happy. It did happen. She did love me. Just look, see for yourself.

Shadows And Regrets

2010-09-04T13:46:00.000-07:00

His feet move quickly against the pavement. The beads of sweat sliding down his face. He moves his long dark hair out of his eyes that are now matted to his face.His phone rings but he ignores it. He runs faster. He does not care about the burning in his chest or his calves that feel like they are about to explode. He just runs. The text he got in the bathroom scared the hell out of him. His friends will not know he left. At least not for a while. His back is starting to hurt. He has ran a mile and a half already. Two blocks to go. He is almost home. He thinks he should have driven in his own car. He would have been there by now. He would be holding her and comforting her. He pulls the keys out of his pocket, stickes them in the door and gets in. He quickly starts the car and is off. He grips the wheel hard, in fear of what he will find when he finally makes it to her house.

He pulls up to her house. Puts the car in park and makes his way up the apartment building's stairwell. When he finally reaches her door, he notices that it's slightly cracked. He lightly pushes on it, in fear of what's on the other side and the door opens with a loud squeal. The only sound comng from inside the apartment was the radio, on a station that only played static. An overwhelming feeling of panic flowed through his body instantly. He ran quickly to her bedroom, she wasn't there. The bathroom, she wasn't there. Finally, the kitchen. There she was. Blood all over the floor and in the sink. Lying there lifeless. The tears begin to roll down his blotchy red face. He kneels down next to her and gras her. Holds her in his arms.

He bings to cry, remenicing of the things that lead them to this point in their lives. The things that lead her to this point in her life. The last time they spoke they exchanged words of hate and anger. She was calling him once or twice a day. Texting him every five minutes. She missed him. She loved him. But he was over her. Or so he thought. He wanted nothing to do with her. "They had grown apart", he said. "Sometimes people grow apart and need to move on". And so he did... with a five foot seven, blonde bombshell. "I hate you", she said.You could hear her heart breaking with each sob and every word muttered from her mouth. "You'll regret doing this". He never understood what that meant until now. And until this very moment, he didn't realize how much he really loved her. He lost something more than an ex. He lost his best friend. He lost the love of his life. But it's too late now.

He sits and cries with her in his arms for a while before picking her up and putting her on the couch. He walks into the bathroom and takes his blood stained shirt off. And he stares in the mirror. Where did he go wrong? What was he thinking? Why did this happen? The answers to these questions where all the same. He just didn't care. All he had to do was care. And he didn't. And now look at his situation. He couldn't go back in the living room because seeing her body lying there was ripping a hole in his heart. While he sat there and waited for the police he layed in her bed and smelled her sheets. Her scent was all over them. He pulled the covers back and there was a note. It was just lying there.As he unfolds the thin piece of paper his hands begin to shake... and then he dives in:

""To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness."

I've suffered for far too long because of you."

After reading that, he sat and cried for an hour. When he came to the conclusion that he didn't deserve to live a happy life anymore. For all the things he put her through and how he was the reasoning for her untimely ending. He makes his way over to the bathroom and opens the medicine cabinent. In it, her medication. Ambien for sleeping, Pristiq for depression and Lexapro for anxiety. He took a big handful and swallowed. He had clearly chosen his ending. And went into the living room and laid on the floor beside the couch where she lay. After about an hour he begins to get sleepy and feeling sick. As he lay on the verge of death there is a sudden movement on the couch. To his surprise, she is now starring back at him with a devilish grin on her face. He is too sick and weak to react. But in her hand she held a bottle of Tetrodotoxin, which slows your heart rate and lowers the bodies core temperature. And she spoke, "One pill of this and a pill of Ambien. Knocked e out cold and made me look like I was dead." "But the blood", he said with such a frail voice. She laughs, "Pigs blood, bought it from the store. I told you you would regret breaking up with me." And with that, she walked over to the sink and smears water over her eyes to make her mascara run. Then she called the police. And he lay there and watch as the last moments of his life were slipping away. He regreted it. He really did. But it was too late, yet again.

Inside Here

2010-07-25T20:39:00.002-07:00

Must I go on living here?
Among the objects we both touched.
The air that she once breathed.
In the name of what?
The hope of her return?
I hoped for nothing, yet I live in expectation.

Forget It, I Guess...

2010-07-25T20:39:00.001-07:00

It’s when I’m standing six feet away from you and not being able to find the words to tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you that I want to just scream to the whole room that I’m still in love with you. It’s when I’m sitting alone with the phone in my hand dialing your number and hanging up that I would trade a thousand tomorrows for just one yesterday. Then I could just call you to tell you goodnight. It’s when I am really sad about something and need someone to talk to that I realize you’re the only one who really knew me at all. It’s when I cry myself to sleep at night and it hits me how much I would give to hold you at that very moment. It’s when I think about you that I realize no one else in the world is meant for me.

Pity Party

2010-07-19T21:30:00.000-07:00

Your eyes, they tell me lies
But your mouth speaks a different language
Moving quickly but carefully
Speaking the truth for you is harder than learning Spanish
No accents or punctuations
Just letters and words
Coming from the mind not the heart
Things you can't say get lost in exhales of doubt
Even you doubt yourself
You're not a good liar
It's written all over your face

How's the veiw from your porch?

2010-07-06T19:46:00.000-07:00

If people saw you from my eyes...
They'd see the most beautiful woman I know.
Those big brown eyes that pierce my soul.
The bright smile that can light up my life on the darkest of days.

If people knew you like I do...
They'd know an intelligent woman.
One that studies hard but knows how to party even harder.
A woman who knows what she wants, for the most part, and tries hard to get it.

If people listened to you like I do...
They'd hear a girl who is just crying out for love.
One that sings along to corny love songs and quotes love stories.
A woman who talks softly and speaks with meaning.

Lonely

2010-07-06T19:33:00.000-07:00

The feeling of the moment has lifted.
I hear my feet move quickly against the wet sidewalk.
And the rain is the background music to my thoughts.
The words you said to me moments ago are echoing in my head.

"I had sex with him."
Those five words.
Those five words just ripped a hole in my heart.

No more late night calls to help put you to sleep.
No more thinking of two... just three.
Me, myself and I.

2010-06-14T17:31:00.000-07:00

There are so many things I want to say to you.
But time’s caught me up and now I’ll never say them — except that I’ve loved you from the moment I saw you and every moment since.

Love

2010-06-01T19:12:00.000-07:00

This one word makes me feel butterflies in my stomach
It makes me text you every morning and call you before I go to bed
It makes me watch corny chick flicks
It makes me spend endless amounts of money on you
It makes me take a two hour bus ride to you
It makes me watch "The Hills" and "Reba"
It makes me do your laundry

This one word makes me feel sad when I don't see you
It makes me walk all over the world in the middle of the night
It makes me cuddle up to you when you're cold to keep you warm
It makes me ditch friends to be with you
It makes me yearn for your lips
It makes sex that much better
It makes you seem completely perfect

This one word has got me so wrapped up in you
I only wish this one word made you feel the same for me

Drowning In Sorrow

2010-06-01T19:01:00.000-07:00

Your promises were left
Broken and bloody
Carelessly dropped amongst these very naive ears
Taken care of by my nurturing hands
The same hands that used to hold you close to this heart
That is now splintered with regret and sadness
The sadness moves quickly to my head
Where it causes me to get dizzy and lightheaded
The voice in my head is still yours and it's echoing in my brain
The promises you left

The movement is still within my mind

2010-05-26T11:38:00.000-07:00

I am a car with three wheels
A phone without a charger
A television without a remote
A radio without speakers
A poem without a rhyme
A coach without a team
I am the truth without someone to hear it
A book without pages
A home without a foundation
A sun without fire
A beer without the grain
A teacher without students
I am a feeling without someone to feel it.
A gun without bullets
A writer without a pen
A home with no inhabitants
This is who I am
A mess without you
Something beautiful with you.

I'm Not...

2010-05-04T23:17:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to think about her

I'm not going to think about her
I'm not going to think about her anymore

I'm not going to think about the sound of her voice
I'm not going to think about the way she looked
I'm not going to think about the way her hair smelled
I'm not going to think about how she once helped me buy a new pet fish
I'm not going to think about how messy her makeup dresser was
I'm not going to think about how she always tucked her covers under the bed
I'm not going to think about how she always tried to steal the more comfortable pillow from me
I'm not going to think about how she once left her juice sitting in the windowsill and I spent most of my day killing ants
I'm not going to think about how she was really good at cooking Ramen noodles
I'm not going to think about how she would always double check herself in the mirror anytime she put on a new outfit
I'm not going to think about how she HAD to get coffee every morning otherwise she would be so cranky for the rest of the day
I'm not going to think about how she really hated the buzzer on my alarm clock
I'm not going to think about how she would grab for and hold my hand in public
I'm not going to think about how she would get horny in public places and pull me somewhere private so we could have sex
I'm not going to think about how she would root against me while I was playing video games
I'm not going to think about how she would giggle when I said something stupid
I'm not going to think about how she would come out at any time of night just to get a kiss from me
I'm not going to think about how she would give me the occasional back rubs
I'm not going to think about how she would tuck me in before she left me for the night
I'm not going to think about how she would wear those purple plaid flats she has, even if she was only going to the bathroom
I'm not going to think about how she looked when we talked on Skype
I'm not going to think about how she would always hug me like she never wanted to let go
I'm not going to think about what she looked like in just her skin
I'm not going to think about how she rested her head on my shoulder and cried when she needed to
I'm not going to think about how she would keep wiggling her body around until she felt comfortable in my arms before we fell alseep
I'm not going to think about how she would cuddle up next to me while we were watching movies
I'm not going to think about how she would sigh and moan in my ear as I kissed her neck
I'm not going to think about how she would go grocery shopping for me
I'm not going to think about the smooth, caramel skin of her back
I'm not going to think about what she looked like when I put that flower behind her ear
I'm not going to think about how excited she got when we watched Matilda
I'm not going to think about how it sometimes felt that we were the only two people on Earth
I'm not going to think about how for a long time it really seemed like it was going to work out
I'm not going to think about how I came to visit her and when she opened the door, sitting on her bed was a bag full of everything I had ever given her
I'm not going to think about whatever she may be doing right now
I'm not going to think about how she would always call me to wake me up for work
I'm not going to think about how she would ask me to clean her room or do a load of wash for her
But now she doesn't ask anymore
And so, she must have found somebody else to do it

I'm going to be...

2010-04-26T11:21:00.000-07:00

That ugly cat lady that lives next door. And you'll smell their piss and wonder why I don't do anything about it. But I'll ignore your name calling and put downs because my cats will make me feel better like she once did.

A Flowers Insomnia

2010-04-25T19:02:00.000-07:00

You are trying so hard to be the person everyone wants you to be. Maybe you should just be the person YOU want to be.

Life...

2010-04-25T17:35:00.000-07:00

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

Thoughts of the Dumpee

2010-04-22T04:34:00.001-07:00

Your last breath lingers on my neck. Like a memory burnt into my skin.

2010-04-22T04:11:00.000-07:00

How can I forgive when I'm in so much pain?

Ever feel like you're not good enough?

2010-04-22T03:57:00.000-07:00

Because I don't call when I should.
Because I get angry for no reason.
Because I raise my voice.
Because I don't make you feel comfortable.
Because I cheated.
Because I act differently around certain people.
Because I don't fight fairly.
Because I only make you feel more insecure.
Because I don't truly make you happy.
Because I'm a slob.
Because I am not liked by your family.
Because I don't like your friends.
Because I don't understand why you can't not talk to him.
Because I am ALWAYS doing something wrong.

I'm not good enough for you.
Which means I'm not good enough for anybody.

Break Apart Her Heart

2010-04-01T12:45:00.000-07:00

When you call she doesn't answer
when you write she doesn't answer
You go out you see him with her
she told you she was sick at home
The ring you gave her thrown away with all the letters
And when you see him with her, he doesn't even care at all
As she follows him around like you follow her around
He doesn't even care and your figuring out
The only way your gonna keep somebody around
Well I'm about to let you know
There's something I don't wanna understand
The only way a woman is gonna want a man
The only way you'll ever keep her in your hands
Is breaking apart her heart
Don't tell her she is the reason that you live
Don't give her everything that you got to give
If you want to keep the girl for as long as you live
Just break it apart her heart
Can't you see the way she's crying
Well thats what keeps her trying, she knew that she could have you
And he don't give her what she wants
There's truth about this, you say you want to be noticed
Well if you want to be noticed you gotta learn to break some hearts
Don't try to understand
Can't you see what you've done?
What I've become?
Can't you see?
I don't understand this cruelty
I don't understand but now I

Dangerous Love Affair (Hold On) by ??

2010-03-19T22:43:00.001-07:00

This was a dangerous love affair
She kept me guessing
While I was open like a book
I was her old guitar
that played her every hook

I was always there for her to fall back on
She had me clinging to every word
While I was just a filler
I was the murder victim
And she was the famous killer

She told me to hold on
Hold on just a little longer
You'll be my only one
I just wanna have a little more fun
Hold on just a little bit longer

The nights I spent tossing and turning
She spent with other guys
More worthy of her time
I was her skip button
But for me she was on repeat

She told me to hold on
Hold on just a little longer
You'll be my only one
I just wanna have a little more fun
Hold on just a litle bit longer

Like Haley's comet shooting 'cross the sky
She came and went so fast
Just here for a moment
(This was a dengerous love affair)
I won't see another like her
Nope, at least not for another century

She told me to hold on
Hold on just a little longer
You'll be my only one
I just wanna have a little more fun
Hold on just a little bit longer

Until she slipped away and was gone
Gone forever and out of my life
(Hold on)

This was a dangerous love affair (x2)

I was once told, "Don't let your wants kill ya"

2010-03-16T12:32:00.000-07:00

I want to be the one who makes you smile.
The one who makes every day worth waking up for.
The one who cooks you breakfast in bed.
The one who you greet when you walk in the door from work.

I want to be the one who holds you when you cry.
The constant whisper in your ear, "Everything will be alright."
The one who whipes the tears from your eyes and brushes the hair from your face.
The one who sits on the couch and eats junk food with you until you feel better.

I want you to wonder how you ever lived life without me.
How you could have ever used the word "love" before me.
I want you to consider our life together forever.
I want you to kiss me and feel all the love I have for you.
I want that kiss to make your heart explode and leak love into my mouth.

I am in love with you.

EVERYTHING about you drives me insane.

Please say you want all of that too.

I want to be your everything.

I love you.

Even though I don't believe in God...

2010-03-16T12:20:00.001-07:00

I sometimes get down on both knees, Fold my hands, and bow my head. And I pray.

I pray that maybe one day you'll realize that I am the one for you. And that you cannot live without me.

I'm beginning to think it will never happen.

If you find love, could you save me some?

2010-03-16T12:11:00.000-07:00

The tears that fall are all your own. I tried to be there to catch them.

But you pushed me away.

If alone is what you want. Alone is what I'll give you.

You're Gone

2010-03-16T11:50:00.000-07:00

I had no idea it would be this hard.

Forgive me.

Void

2010-03-16T11:46:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like you're wating for him to realize he loves you. And when that happens you will leave me.

I'm just filling a void until then.

Lonely

2010-03-16T11:42:00.000-07:00

Lonliness is the most terrible poverty.

Sex Could Kill You

2010-03-10T22:30:00.000-08:00

Do you know what the human body goes through during sex? The pupils dilate, your core temperature rises, breathing becomes rapid and shallow, your arteries constrict, your heart races, secretions spit from out of every gland, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and your muscles spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight.

It's violent. It's ugly. It's messy.

And if God hadn't made it unbelievably fun, the human race would have died out so long ago.

This Kiss

2010-03-10T22:21:00.000-08:00

Is when the world stopped turning.
Is when an old dog was taught a new trick.
Is when the angels were filled with envy.
Is when Jesus rose from the dead.
Is when Pigs flew.
Is when pain became love.
Is when the dead rolled over and wished to live again.
Is when hell froze over.

This kiss was pure, raw and explosive pleasure.
It set my world on fire.
A fire I will let blaze forever.
Until there is nothing left but the embers that continue to be red hot.
Like my love for you.

Please. Please say you feel the same way too.

Lovers Past

2010-03-03T14:15:00.000-08:00

And you taught me what this feels like.
And then how it feel to lose it.
And you showed me who I wanted.
And then who I wasn't.
And you ticked every box.
And then drew a line.
And you weren't mine to begin with.
And then not to end with.
And you looked like everything I wanted.
And then became something I hated.
And you get thought of everyday.
And then not in a good way.
And you let me leave.
And then wished I stayed.
And you almost killed me.
But I didn't die.

Little Things...

2010-03-03T11:50:00.000-08:00

1. Do You Remember

Do you remember when we vampires?
Do you remember when we ran through the streets at night?
Our heads back, laughing and screaming.
So alive it felt like we owned the world.
Do you remember?
Do you remember me?

2. Tree

I want to weave you into me.
Stick your thorns in and grow.
Bleed sap and feel this shining light.
Grow strange leaves.
Bear this fruit.
Share this soil.
Bury ourselves.
Reach for the sun.
Strip this bark.
Carve a name and a heart into me.
Please.

2010-03-03T11:08:00.000-08:00

There's nothing scary about choice. Scary is when you don't have choice.

2010-03-03T10:53:00.000-08:00

This place could be paradise. All that it's missing, is you.

Sometimes

2010-03-03T10:42:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think the only reason you stay in touch with me is to
let me know how "well" you're doing now that you've moved on.

I'm happy for you. Now fuck off.

Free

2010-02-16T19:54:00.000-08:00

Go to school.
Get your license.
Graduate.
Get a job.
Get a car.
Get a girlfriend.
Get married.
Have children.
Raise children.
Save for retirement.
Retire.
Obey the law.

Now, repeat after me... "I AM FREE"

Help me out?!

2010-01-07T15:08:00.000-08:00

I have no idea where I was going to go with this one... someone finish it? Let's see how creative/emotional/crazy/funny/sad this could get! Haha!

I chew up my words and spit them out

I feed them to you like a mother bird feeds her young

The mushed up words spill out amongst your damaged ears

Damaged ears that only hear what they want to hear

The seriousness of what I have said has made it's way to your brian

Food for thought, you take it in like you're starving

But you're picky and only take what you enjoy

My BUCKET LIST… So far…

2010-01-02T19:51:00.001-08:00

Kicking The Bucket

Befriend a stranger.
Become an early riser.
Donate blood.
Sleep under nothing but the stars.
Road trip it; coast to coast.
Send a message in a bottle.
Go through a drive-thru in a car made out of cardboard.
Scuba dive.
Go see the Northern Lights.
Train for and complete a triathlon.
Visit a "REAL" Blues Bar.
Go to New Orleans.
Attend at least one major sporting event (i.e. Olympics, Super Bowl, or a World Series).
Drink beer at Oktoberfest in Munich, Germany.
Be someone's mentor.
Shower in a waterfall.
Stay out all night having fun and go to work without having gone home yet (Just once).
Experience weightlessness.
Take a ride on the highest rollercoaster in the country.
Forgive my parents.
Learn to juggle three balls.
Overcome some of my greatest fears (i.e. Failure, Spiders, the dark, heights).
Grow a garden.
Spend three months getting my body into optimum shape.
Run on a golf course at night.
Adopt an orphan.
Have my future told.
Fill up my own treasure chest and bury it.
Learn how to play chess.
Take my dad to a baseball park of his choice.
Become a vegetarian for at least 6 months.
Fly first class.
Visit the adults who were important to me in my childhood.
Fall asleep to the sounds of waves in the ocean.
Get a tattoo.
Plant a tree.
Get a college degree.
Write a book/screenplay.
Give a stranger a fifty-dollar bill.
Get something named after me.
Tell a priest everything I have done wrong.
Read, at least, thirty good books.
Live in California for one month.
Go camping on a beach.
Go on a real ghost hunt.
Get kicked out of a bar.
Post It Note someone's room (In its entirety).
Walk across a state (i.e. Rhode Island is 25 miles long).
Own an original piece of art.
Go on vacation for two weeks in Ireland.
Cook my breakfast on an outdoor fire.
Go to a classical concert outdoors.
Go Go-Kart racing.
Learn CPR.
Learn sign language.
Zip line(Preferably in Costa Rica)
Go canoeing.
Say yes to everything for one day.
Make a music video.
Jell-O wrestle.
Play the buckle game.
Be in two places at once.
Looge down a street in San Francisco.
Make an impact in someone's life.
Watch the ball drop live in New York City.
Try a foreign delicacy.

My life

2009-12-20T10:38:00.000-08:00

Looking back on the past couple of years I've come to realize that I make the worst possible decisions ever. And in these decisions... I've come to this point in my life. So, in reality... I am the reason for the pain and suffering in my own life. I have no one to blame but myself. Wow! Puts a lot into perspective.

Fog

2009-12-20T10:25:00.000-08:00

These broken arms won't hold you down
These ruptured lungs won't make a sound
These syllables won't bring you back,
Won't stitch the holes, no bones intact

And I can't pretend that you were there
And I can't pretend I held your hand
And I miss your smile
I miss your smile
I need you now
I need you now
And I am not scared of falling down
I am not scared of dark dark clouds

I miss your smile
I miss your smile
I need you now
I need you now

Untitled

2009-12-20T10:21:00.000-08:00

You swallow the cure

Temporary

Numb

You puke up the hurt

Flush the pain away

Watch as it twirls to the melody of your thoughts

Now, you can pass out next to your carelessness

Waking up is no longer and option

Eternal sleep

Rest

You're tired

And you're finally getting the sleep you deserve

A Mind Is Not Such A Terrible Thing To Waste...

2009-11-16T00:54:00.000-08:00

Take the white pills

swallow them whole

You'll feel alright

Relax yourself

Let it flow through your blood

Quickly making your heart rate slow down

Your pupils get bigger

Your speech becomes slurred

You're still not satisfied

You still think

Think about the things you cannot fix

And you're ashamed of the things you've done

You're tired of being left alone

So, you take more

This time you crush them and sniff them

Your nose bleeds

But this is the least of your worries

You still think

Think about how you can't do things right

And why you don't have the power to forget

You're tired of tryin so fucking hard

Only to get nothing in return

So, again, you take more

This time you mix it with alcohol

Alcohol always makes you forget

You still think

But this time not about the things before

More of your chest hurts

Your head hurts

And you feel extremely dizzy

Sit down, lay down

Anything to stop the world from spinning

Rest your head child, Everything will be alright

Close your eyes now

Don't fight to keep them open

Besides if you make it through this

You'll just do it again next week

Same problems

Same thoughts

So, rest your eyes

They're tired, just like you.

Funny circle right?

You do this to forget

So you don't have to fight.

But you wind up fighting anyway

A fight to stay alive

Or a fight to forget and feel better

Either way you're going to lose

Just give up and die

Everyone will talk

I knew her, I was her friend

False sentences falling from busted lips

Blood filled mouths

The same blood that spewed from your mouth

From the mouth where you bit your tongue

You wanted to scream for help but no one cared anyway

So, you take the white pills

Take the white pills

swallow them whole

You'll feel alright

Just looking to fill a void

These pills are all you really have

Untitled

2009-10-15T17:17:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've last written on here, almost a month. I don't know. I haven't really thought of anything to write. Nothing has come to me. I haven't been compelled to write or draw anything. Two of my only 3 outlets for anger and stress have become dismal to say the least. Maybe it's a sign I'm getting worse/more depressed. Maybe it just means I should take some time and try to write. Who knows? Not me.

Untitled

2009-08-22T15:51:00.000-07:00

One kiss is all I ask for

With hopes it will lead to more

Don't get me wrong I love you

But tonight my hormones are in control

The kiss you give is subtle

Just barely touching my lips

I want more

Crave more

Need more

I pull you in close

Smushing my lips upon yours

Things quickly escalate from there

Something I've wanted since you let me through your doors

I remove your blouse

And you slowly raise my shirt

Up and over my head

My head that's thinking thoughts

Thoughts that could get us in trouble if we were caught acting them out

Zippers come undone

And now your bra is on the floor

You cover yourself

As I take my socks off

Now we're skin to skin

Lying under the covers

One last kiss before I go under

Then there's a knock at the door....

I don't know............=/

2009-07-28T14:22:00.001-07:00

All she does is love me. All she does is care.

And I'm so wrapped up in myself that I am pushing her away slowly.

She says I never tell her how I'm feeling.

If she only knew that my thoughts would scare her.

She says we never go out.

But she doesn't know that I'm scared of the world.

As much as I talk about getting out of this shit hole of a town, I still find comfort in it... so, I want to stay here.

She says that I don't care enough.

What she doesn't know it I care so much it hurts.

She says that we're fighting too much.

I say we don't fight that often.

She says she believes me when I tell her I love her.

I know she doesn't.

Her heart is still entangled with his.

But I still want to be with her, even though I know in the end... she's going to leave me.

FOR HIM.

Dream Meanings

2009-07-26T10:21:00.000-07:00

Climb

To dream that you are climbing up something (ladder, rope, etc.), signifies that you are trying to or you have overcome a great struggle. It also suggests that your goals are finally within reach. Climbing also means that you have risen to a level of prominence within the social or economic sphere.

Hiding

To dream that you are hiding from some authority figure (police, parent, teacher...), implies feelings of guilt.

Breaking

u are literally at your breaking point. Police To see the police in your dream, indicates a failure to perform or to honor obligations and commitments. The police also

To dream that objects around you are breaking, suggests that you are under tremendous stress. The dream could be a metaphor that y
osymbolizes structure, rules, power, authority and control. Perhaps you need to put an end to your reckless behavior or else the law will catch up to you. You fear punishment. Hill To dream that you are climbing a hill, signifies your struggles in achieving a goal. Car Accident

o see or eat a pastry in your dream, refers to indulgence, sensual pleasure and satisfaction. You are enjoy

To dream of a car accident, symbolizes your emotional state. You may be harboring deep anxieties and fears. Competition To dream that you are in a competition, represents your need to grow and expand. Learn the value of endurance and perseverance. Also be more assertive. Pastry
To see or eat a pastry in your dream, refers to indulgence, sensual pleasure and satisfaction. You are enjoying life and reaping its rewards. Mean To dream that someone is being mean to you, suggests that you are being too hard on yourself. You need to give yourself a break. Alternatively, the dream may be a metaphor that you are looking for "meaning" or significance to some life issue. Mother

To see your mother in your dream, represents the nurturing aspect of your own character. Mothers offer shelter, comfort, life, guidance and protection. Some people may have problems freeing themselves from their mothers and are thus seeking their own individuality and development.

Dreaming On A Stomache Full Of Alcohol

2009-07-26T09:19:00.000-07:00

So last night I had a dream. It was quite weird and very random. And well, I want to know what it all means. So, this post will have my dream in it and the next post will have the interpretations. Here goes:

I was walking with Ang, her brother and his friend. The friend lived right next door to Ang and George. Ang had to go home for some reason and we all walked to the friends house, where Ang parted ways with us. But before she did she told me to climb up in the tree so that when her mom drives by she won't see me. I climbed up the tree and she kept telling me I wasn't high enough. So, I kept going higher until eventually I was at the top of the tree. Then she went into her house. She was taking a while so I climbed down from the tree and hid in this friends backyard. I could see Ang's house from here, her front door and bushes, etc. There was a little garage in this backyard and there was sounds of little girls inside of it. They busted through the brick in the back and all came pouring out of the garage, their brother(the friend) was like "I'll fix it later, just get out of the way."

And finally came out with her mom, got in a car and literally sped away. Her mom was driving so fast the car screeched along the pavement. Then maybe a minute or two later they came screeching back and with the cops following them. I don't know what they did, maybe it was he speeding, but the cops followed them home. Ang and her mom ran into the house. After a few minutes of trying to get them to come out a news van pulled up and started filming. The news crew was shoved off to the side of the scene and they were in the friends yard. They told George, the friend and I to move because we were in the way then I said "Na, you're in his yard... you move". So, they did. Then the cops busted into Ang's house and there was a lot of screaming and cursing. Ang's father came out in shackles pretty much. Around his hands, ankles and neck all connected together. He begged for us to undo them. So, George and I began trying to take them off. As I bent down to do so I realized it was velcro. So, as I was undoing the shackles I asked "If I do this for you will you let me be with Ang?" and he said, "I like you, I just don't want you to hurt her." and of course I said "I will not."

So, George and I run away with her father to the Wawa. Except it wasn't really the Wawa it was like some store on a hill. We got to this hill and Mr. Brauner past out and said go on without me. And I begged for him to keep trying or let me carry him on my back but he said no... and then he fainted. So, I ran up the hill and George was in a car with a black kid. So, told them to wait there. I ran down the hill, got Mr. Brauner and put him in the car. I told them to take him to far away so the cops won't get him. There was a group of black kids standing with me. The kid driving the car started to pull away, he tried squeezing between a wall and a huge 18 wheeler. He got smushed somehow and Mr. Brauner and George died.

So, the black kids took me back to my house. Except that wasn't really my house it was like Real World. And I was on one of those food shows. Like we were in teams and had to make pastry. And we got thrusted into this competition. We had to make some kind of appetizer. And my team was not listening to me. They were all being assholes to me. So, I freaked out and told them all off. Everyone was watching me and they were listening to me. And in the middle of my rant my mom walked through the door and waved at me. She hugged a girl next to her and made her way towards me. She then said, "Get up out of bed." and I thought to myself "I am out of bed". Then I woke up.

I have no idea what any of this means. Haha! It's a kinda crazy dream! I did a lot of drinking last night... and right before I went to bed I at 2 slices of pizza. What do you think my dream means? I can't wait to find out.

Loans for the poor?

2009-07-25T16:41:00.000-07:00

I'm starting school again very soon and I'm excited as hell. It's about time I finally got the money for it. The first two times were like a tease. I'd have enough money for one semester. That's what I did at Penn State and The Art Institute. But this time I should have enough money for the Art Institute again.

What bothers me is... what if I don't? There's alway that what if. I really do not know what I will do with myself if I do not have enough money the third time around. I see the people around me going to school and passing me by. This is not a fun thing to watch. It only makes me feel useless and stupid.

I was also thinking about the people I know who failed out of school or go kicked out of school and are not going to school anymore. Really? How could you be so careless. Wasting your parents hard earned money or wasting a loan. It makes me sick to see kids fail out or get kicked out of school. I could be using that money to make myself better. It seems like the kids who care and want to do something with their lives can never get the money and then the kids who are using college as a way to get out of their parents houses, party more, or just fiddle with life get all the money they want/need. It's ridiculous. And there needs to be a change in this somewhere. Where's our modern day Robin Hood? I sure wish he was real/here cause a lot of people need help.

I don't know. This just hurts me a lot. I want to go to school and make something of myself. I don't want to have to live the way I'm living anymore. Don't get me wrong, my dad is tryin his hardest to make my sister and I happy. But in the end, there is never enough food, old clothes, lonely weekends and money fights. I want to be able to not have to worry about wether or not there will be food to eat. I want my kids to grow up with everything I never had...

But will that make them like those kids I mentioned above? I sure hope not. I want my children to be humble even if they have money.

I hope I have enough money this year. I really do.

Take the wheel and drive....

2009-07-24T14:14:00.000-07:00

I’m not sure what I am…I just know there’s something dark in me, and I hide it.

I certainly don’t talk about it but its there. Always.

This dark passenger. And when he’s driving, I feel alive—half sick with the thrill…complete wrongness.

I don’t fight him. I don’t want to. He’s all I’ve got. Nothing else could love me. Not even, especially not me.

Or is that just a lie the dark passenger tells me?

Because lately, there are these moments where I feel connected to something else, someone.

It’s like the mask is slipping and things, people that never mattered before…are starting to matter.

It scares the hell out of me.

Things I've Learned In My Life... So Far

2009-07-23T14:07:00.000-07:00

Over the years I have learned many things, some have impacted my life tremendously and made me who I am today. Here are a few...

1. You will never find true love if you look for it.

2. People are going to be dicks... get over it.

3. When think everything is going perfect, something WILL come along and ruin it.

4. Over time people get used to things and take them for granted.

5. Blood is not always thicker than water.

6. The best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

7. Ignoring the facts, does not change the facts.

8. No one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

9. Never make someone your priority when you are only their option.

10. I cannot choose how I feel but I can choose what to do about it.

Religion?

2009-07-22T11:47:00.000-07:00

So, I was talking to my grandmom today about God. She's a fairly religious lady. Goes to church occasionally, reads and quotes the bible everyday, prays for everyone and everything. After a while of calmly discussing religion it turned into a shouting match of why I should believe in God and that if I don't I will be damned to hell.

Really? I am deeply angered by this. It seems like every religious adult, mainly Christians, I encounter always say that I should believe in God, I should bow down and praise the grace of God or I should pray that my soul will be saved on judgement day. My grandmother started bombarding me with "facts", proverbs, and things. I hate how they push their religion on me. If I want to believe, I will believe... If I don't want to, I won't. I feel like I can't have my own thoughts and opinions on religion without someone getting angry with me and my disrespectfulness.

I don't know, I just have a hard time believing in something I've never seen, never experienced. I'm sorry if I've never seen Jesus in my mashed potatoes. At least I don't think I have. I always wondered why people follow the Bible the way they do. How do we know everything in it is true? What if it is just a story book all made up? You've heard of fiction correct? My mom says, "Of course it's true, people are telling you what happened to them, telling you how they say these things happen."

Ok. Well, what if I told you that I saw a man rise form the dead today? Out of his grave. Saw him dust of his shoulders and walk away like nothing ever happened. Just went on about his day. Would you believe me if I told you? Probably not. You'd think I was crazy... or lying. So, why did we believe these people who were merely writing down what they saw(or thought they saw), telling us what happened to them?

But I've lost my train of thought. My grandmom is yelling for me to help her. I'll come back to this post later and finish what I was writing. But ponder this post while I'm gone.

Let Me Go In Peace

2009-07-22T11:16:00.000-07:00

The thought of your death angers me

It fills my blood with hate

The stupidity, the fear in your eyes

I can only imagine it

They say the way you died was gruesome but quick

Your heart was twice it's normal size

And your brain was a sickly grey

Foam pouring out your mouth

As your reached for you phone

The phone you used to call me a few hours before

I lied to you

I went out with Danielle and Alex

And that night you left me

You went to go where ever it is dead people go

I bet you watched me party that night

I bet you hate me for letting this happen to you

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry

I have failed you my friend

And I regret it everyday

First one... feels good

2009-07-22T10:53:00.001-07:00

So, I was on my buddy's blog today and I was intrigued. Maybe I should start blogging. People might want to hear what I have to say about school, relationships, my goals, or life in general. So, I will write in my blog everyday. About the things that I find significant, funny or important to me. Hopefully, my blog will look as good as his. Haha!