My life

Looking back on the past couple of years I've come to realize that I make the worst possible decisions ever. And in these decisions... I've come to this point in my life. So, in reality... I am the reason for the pain and suffering in my own life. I have no one to blame but myself. Wow! Puts a lot into perspective. 

Fog

These broken arms won't hold you down
These ruptured lungs won't make a sound
These syllables won't bring you back,
Won't stitch the holes, no bones intact

And I can't pretend that you were there
And I can't pretend I held your hand
And I miss your smile
I miss your smile
I need you now
I need you now
And I am not scared of falling down
I am not scared of dark dark clouds

I miss your smile
I miss your smile
I need you now
I need you now

Untitled

You swallow the cure

Temporary

Numb

You puke up the hurt

Flush the pain away

Watch as it twirls to the melody of your thoughts

Now, you can pass out next to your carelessness

Waking up is no longer and option

Eternal sleep

Rest

You're tired

And you're finally getting the sleep you deserve

A Mind Is Not Such A Terrible Thing To Waste...

Take the white pills

swallow them whole

You'll feel alright

Relax yourself

Let it flow through your blood

Quickly making your heart rate slow down

Your pupils get bigger

Your speech becomes slurred

You're still not satisfied

You still think

Think about the things you cannot fix

And you're ashamed of the things you've done

You're tired of being left alone

So, you take more

This time you crush them and sniff them

Your nose bleeds

But this is the least of your worries

You still think

Think about how you can't do things right

And why you don't have the power to forget

You're tired of tryin so fucking hard

Only to get nothing in return

So, again, you take more

This time you mix it with alcohol

Alcohol always makes you forget

You still think

But this time not about the things before

More of your chest hurts

Your head hurts

And you feel extremely dizzy

Sit down, lay down

Anything to stop the world from spinning

Rest your head child, Everything will be alright

Close your eyes now

Don't fight to keep them open

Besides if you make it through this

You'll just do it again next week

Same problems

Same thoughts

So, rest your eyes

They're tired, just like you.

Funny circle right?

You do this to forget

So you don't have to fight.

But you wind up fighting anyway

A fight to stay alive

Or a fight to forget and feel better

Either way you're going to lose

Just give up and die

Everyone will talk

I knew her, I was her friend

False sentences falling from busted lips

Blood filled mouths

The same blood that spewed from your mouth

From the mouth where you bit your tongue

You wanted to scream for help but no one cared anyway

So, you take the white pills

Take the white pills

swallow them whole

You'll feel alright

Just looking to fill a void

These pills are all you really have

Untitled

It's been a while since I've last written on here, almost a month. I don't know. I haven't really thought of anything to write. Nothing has come to me. I haven't been compelled to write or draw anything. Two of my only 3 outlets for anger and stress have become dismal to say the least. Maybe it's a sign I'm getting worse/more depressed. Maybe it just means I should take some time and try to write. Who knows? Not me. 

Untitled

One kiss is all I ask for

With hopes it will lead to more

Don't get me wrong I love you

But tonight my hormones are in control

The kiss you give is subtle

Just barely touching my lips

I want more

Crave more

Need more

I pull you in close 

Smushing my lips upon yours

Things quickly escalate from there

Something I've wanted since you let me through your doors

I remove your blouse

And you slowly raise my shirt 

Up and over my head

My head that's thinking thoughts 

Thoughts that could get us in trouble if we were caught acting them out

Zippers come undone 

And now your bra is on the floor

You cover yourself 

As I take my socks off

Now we're skin to skin

Lying under the covers

One last kiss before I go under

Then there's a knock at the door....

I don't know............=/

All she does is love me. All she does is care.

And I'm so wrapped up in myself that I am pushing her away slowly.

She says I never tell her how I'm feeling.

If she only knew that my thoughts would scare her.

She says we never go out.

But she doesn't know that I'm scared of the world.

As much as I talk about getting out of this shit hole of a town, I still find comfort in it... so, I want to stay here.

She says that I don't care enough.

What she doesn't know it I care so much it hurts.

She says that we're fighting too much.

I say we don't fight that often.

She says she believes me when I tell her I love her.

I know she doesn't.

Her heart is still entangled with his.

But I still want to be with her, even though I know in the end... she's going to leave me.

FOR HIM.

Dream Meanings

Climb

To dream that you are climbing up something (ladder, rope, etc.), signifies that you are trying to or you have overcome a great struggle. It also suggests that your goals are finally within reach. Climbing also means that you have risen to a level of prominence within the social or economic sphere.

Hiding

To dream that you are hiding from some authority figure (police, parent, teacher...), implies feelings of guilt.

Breaking

u are literally at your breaking point. Police To see the police in your dream, indicates a failure to perform or to honor obligations and commitments. The police also

To dream that objects around you are breaking, suggests that you are under tremendous stress. The dream could be a metaphor that y
osymbolizes structure, rules, power, authority and control. Perhaps you need to put an end to your reckless behavior or else the law will catch up to you. You fear punishment. Hill To dream that you are climbing a hill, signifies your struggles in achieving a goal. Car Accident

o see or eat a pastry in your dream, refers to indulgence, sensual pleasure and satisfaction. You are enjoy

To dream of a car accident, symbolizes your emotional state. You may be harboring deep anxieties and fears. Competition To dream that you are in a competition, represents your need to grow and expand. Learn the value of endurance and perseverance. Also be more assertive. Pastry
To see or eat a pastry in your dream, refers to indulgence, sensual pleasure and satisfaction. You are enjoying life and reaping its rewards. Mean To dream that someone is being mean to you, suggests that you are being too hard on yourself. You need to give yourself a break. Alternatively, the dream may be a metaphor that you are looking for "meaning" or significance to some life issue. Mother

To see your mother in your dream, represents the nurturing aspect of your own character. Mothers offer shelter, comfort, life, guidance and protection. Some people may have problems freeing themselves from their mothers and are thus seeking their own individuality and development.

Dreaming On A Stomache Full Of Alcohol

So last night I had a dream. It was quite weird and very random. And well, I want to know what it all means. So, this post will have my dream in it and the next post will have the interpretations. Here goes:

I was walking with Ang, her brother and his friend. The friend lived right next door to Ang and George. Ang had to go home for some reason and we all walked to the friends house, where Ang parted ways with us. But before she did she told me to climb up in the tree so that when her mom drives by she won't see me. I climbed up the tree and she kept telling me I wasn't high enough. So, I kept going higher until eventually I was at the top of the tree. Then she went into her house. She was taking a while so I climbed down from the tree and hid in this friends backyard. I could see Ang's house from here, her front door and bushes, etc. There was a little garage in this backyard and there was sounds of little girls inside of it. They busted through the brick in the back and all came pouring out of the garage, their brother(the friend) was like "I'll fix it later, just get out of the way."

And finally came out with her mom, got in a car and literally sped away. Her mom was driving so fast the car screeched along the pavement. Then maybe a minute or two later they came screeching back and with the cops following them. I don't know what they did, maybe it was he speeding, but the cops followed them home. Ang and her mom ran into the house. After a few minutes of trying to get them to come out a news van pulled up and started filming. The news crew was shoved off to the side of the scene and they were in the friends yard. They told George, the friend and I to move because we were in the way then I said "Na, you're in his yard... you move". So, they did. Then the cops busted into Ang's house and there was a lot of screaming and cursing. Ang's father came out in shackles pretty much. Around his hands, ankles and neck all connected together. He begged for us to undo them. So, George and I began trying to take them off. As I bent down to do so I realized it was velcro. So, as I was undoing the shackles I asked "If I do this for you will you let me be with Ang?" and he said, "I like you, I just don't want you to hurt her." and of course I said "I will not."

So, George and I run away with her father to the Wawa. Except it wasn't really the Wawa it was like some store on a hill. We got to this hill and Mr. Brauner past out and said go on without me. And I begged for him to keep trying or let me carry him on my back but he said no... and then he fainted. So, I ran up the hill and George was in a car with a black kid. So, told them to wait there. I ran down the hill, got Mr. Brauner and put him in the car. I told them to take him to far away so the cops won't get him. There was a group of black kids standing with me. The kid driving the car started to pull away, he tried squeezing between a wall and a huge 18 wheeler. He got smushed somehow and Mr. Brauner and George died. 

So, the black kids took me back to my house. Except that wasn't really my house it was like Real World. And I was on one of those food shows. Like we were in teams and had to make pastry. And we got thrusted into this competition. We had to make some kind of appetizer. And my team was not listening to me. They were all being assholes to me. So, I freaked out and told them all off. Everyone was watching me and they were listening to me. And in the middle of my rant my mom walked through the door and waved at me. She hugged a girl next to her and made her way towards me. She then said, "Get up out of bed." and I thought to myself "I am out of bed". Then I woke up. 

I have no idea what any of this means. Haha! It's a kinda crazy dream! I did a lot of drinking last night... and right before I went to bed I at 2 slices of pizza. What do you think my dream means? I can't wait to find out.

Loans for the poor?

I'm starting school again very soon and I'm excited as hell. It's about time I finally got the money for it. The first two times were like a tease. I'd have enough money for one semester. That's what I did at Penn State and The Art Institute. But this time I should have enough money for the Art Institute again. 

What bothers me is... what if I don't? There's alway that what if. I really do not know what I will do with myself if I do not have enough money the third time around. I see the people around me going to school and passing me by. This is not a fun thing to watch. It only makes me feel useless and stupid.

I was also thinking about the people I know who failed out of school or go kicked out of school and are not  going to school anymore. Really? How could you be so careless. Wasting your parents hard earned money or wasting a loan. It makes me sick to see kids fail out or get kicked out of school. I could be using that money to make myself better. It seems like the kids who care and want to do something with their lives can never get the money and then the kids who are using college as a way to get out of their parents houses, party more, or just fiddle with life get all the money they want/need. It's ridiculous. And there needs to be a change in this somewhere. Where's our modern day Robin Hood? I sure wish he was real/here cause a lot of people need help.

I don't know. This just hurts me a lot. I want to go to school and make something of myself. I don't want to have to live the way I'm living anymore. Don't get me wrong, my dad is tryin his hardest to make my sister and I happy. But in the end, there is never enough food, old clothes, lonely weekends and money fights. I want to be able to not have to worry about wether or not there will be food to eat. I want my kids to grow up with everything I never had...

But will that make them like those kids I mentioned above? I sure hope not. I want my children to be humble even if they have money. 

I hope I have enough money this year. I really do.

Take the wheel and drive....

I’m not sure what I am…I just know there’s something dark in me, and I hide it.

I certainly don’t talk about it but its there. Always.

This dark passenger. And when he’s driving, I feel alive—half sick with the thrill…complete wrongness.

I don’t fight him. I don’t want to. He’s all I’ve got. Nothing else could love me. Not even, especially not me.

Or is that just a lie the dark passenger tells me?

Because lately, there are these moments where I feel connected to something else, someone.

It’s like the mask is slipping and things, people that never mattered before…are starting to matter.

It scares the hell out of me.

Things I've Learned In My Life... So Far

Over the years I have learned many things, some have impacted my life tremendously and made me who I am today. Here are a few...

1. You will never find true love if you look for it.

2. People are going to be dicks... get over it.

3. When think everything is going perfect, something WILL come along and ruin it.

4. Over time people get used to things and take them for granted.

5. Blood is not always thicker than water.

6. The best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

7. Ignoring the facts, does not change the facts.

8. No one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

9. Never make someone your priority when you are only their option.

10. I cannot choose how I feel but I can choose what to do about it.

Religion?

So, I was talking to my grandmom today about God. She's a fairly religious lady. Goes to church occasionally, reads and quotes the bible everyday, prays for everyone and everything. After a while of calmly discussing religion it turned into a shouting match of why I should believe in God and that if I don't I will be damned to hell.

Really? I am deeply angered by this. It seems like every religious adult, mainly Christians, I encounter always say that I should believe in God, I should bow down and praise the grace of God or I should pray that my soul will be saved on judgement day. My grandmother started bombarding me with "facts", proverbs, and things. I hate how they push their religion on me. If I want to believe, I will believe... If I don't want to, I won't. I feel like I can't have my own thoughts and opinions on religion without someone getting angry with me and my disrespectfulness.

I don't know, I just have a hard time believing in something I've never seen, never experienced. I'm sorry if I've never seen Jesus in my mashed potatoes. At least I don't think I have. I always wondered why people follow the Bible the way they do. How do we know everything in it is true? What if it is just a story book all made up? You've heard of fiction correct? My mom says, "Of course it's true, people are telling you what happened to them, telling you how they say these things happen."

Ok. Well, what if I told you that I saw a man rise form the dead today? Out of his grave. Saw him dust of his shoulders and walk away like nothing ever happened. Just went on about his day. Would you believe me if I told you? Probably not. You'd think I was crazy... or lying. So, why did we believe these people who were merely writing down what they saw(or thought they saw), telling us what happened to them?

But I've lost my train of thought. My grandmom is yelling for me to help her. I'll come back to this post later and finish what I was writing. But ponder this post while I'm gone.

Let Me Go In Peace

The thought of your death angers me

It fills my blood with hate

The stupidity, the fear in your eyes

I can only imagine it

They say the way you died was gruesome but quick

Your heart was twice it's normal size

And your brain was a sickly grey

Foam pouring out your mouth

As your reached for you phone

The phone you used to call me a few hours before

I lied to you

I went out with Danielle and Alex

And that night you left me

You went to go where ever it is dead people go

I bet you watched me party that night

I bet you hate me for letting this happen to you

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry

I have failed you my friend

And I regret it everyday

First one... feels good

So, I was on my buddy's blog today and I was intrigued. Maybe I should start blogging. People might want to hear what I have to say about school, relationships, my goals, or life in general. So, I will write in my blog everyday. About the things that I find significant, funny or important to me. Hopefully, my blog will look as good as his. Haha!